It seems my heart is breaking over the fact that the relationship I’ve had with Sean for the last 10 years will ultimately end in death.
I know it’s for the best. The relationship wasn’t healthy. It was built on expectations that couldn’t withstand the test of time. But no matter what I know logically, my heart still aches to realize the end will come. And it’s that end, that I wish were here right now. As my files fill with papers from my attorney, I’m constantly reminded of my current situation, realizing I’m only in the mists of this situation rather than wrapping it up and moving on.
There were good times, but the bad has out weighed them all. And now I find myself in this crazy Adult/Adolescent Stage which only frustrates me because 1. I’m an adult and 2. I’m acting like an adolescent. My finances have been all over the place. Crazy shopping sprees that amount to nothing but junk and an unbalanced check book. I’m not happy with these seemingly small motives to redefine myself. I need to act my age and keep my eyes focused on family, career, and health. Where does God fall into that? Some would say spirituality/religion should be the common thread throughout it all but we all know “me/myself” seems to be only common thread we tend to carry through out life.
One change I would like to make today is: shifting my focus from egocentric thoughts, that all problems and solutions of the world are my own, and realize that simply because things are not going the way I’d like at the moment doesn’t mean it’s because of me or it’s my problem to solve. I need to allow people to take responsibility of their own actions and stop taking constant control of the situations.