It seems I’m still grieving over all I’ve lost through out the years. When I’m working my mind stays distracted, and running was keeping my tank full enough to keep me going, but when an injury crept up to stop my running and the summer hit with no routine, I fell straight into a hole of depression.
It’s Ok To Be Sad
We tend to happilize everything. If you’re not smiling’ then you must live a horrible life, Yet, come to find out, it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to mourn the loss of my parents as well as a broken marriage. And, it’s ok to take a day and just let it all out, cry till the the tears won’t come, and just really come to terms with what sucks…loss.
I’ve Lived A Full Life
I’ve had many adventures: kids, marriages, education, and careers. I’ve also bounced back from much heartache, and it’s this resilience that’s kept me going. I don’t see my life as bad, even though I’ve lost a great deal and have experienced some hard times, I typically view myself as a happy person. And so when someone looks at me says that I’ve just walked through a shit storm, well then, it’s no wonder I spent the month of June exhausted…grief is exhausting.
That’s Her Issues
I also learned a wonderful lesson on giving back the negativity that someone tries to hand off to me. My dad’s wife spoke very harshly of me on several difference occasions, and this truly broke my heart. Yet, after sharing the situation, I’ve come to understand this negativity, this anger, is her issue and not mine. These are her fears, her insecurities, her guilt…not mine. It has certainly changed our relationship, but it’s also helped me to become more aware of what truly is.
He Isn’t Coming Back Home
Through this turmoil, I’ve finally figured it out…my dad is not coming back home. That little girl held on to hope for 28 years. She never gave up that he’d be back, for good. No matter what happened in my life, I thought he’d return and love me the way he had. I was wrong. My mom knew he was gone, that’s why she cried so much. I didn’t. I put it to the side, and told myself he’d be back. When my mom passed I thought for sure he’d move back then, but he had his own life, one that I was not apart of, one that didn’t include Sunday dinners, and weekly phone calls.
I’m Still Healing
I will always miss my parents. And mother’s day and father’s day, as well as every other holiday, will bring a bit of sadness with it. I’ll never have any new memories, or moments with people that I once held so dear to me. I’ll never touch them or hear them say, “I love you..”, but I’ll hold on to the memories that I do have and I’ll push forward to create new moments with my own kids. I get it…I get what people mean when they say those we’ve lost will continue to live on through us. The bits and pieces these people gave me make me who I am today, and it’s through those parts of myself that they continue to love and laugh and live. I’ll never know the same life I once had, but I can look to the blessings my loved ones left me with.
My Mother taught me about God and faith. She never stumbled in her doubt of God. She made me strong. She tried to protect me by instilling independence within me, but now I know that was her pain and that it’s ok for me to share life with someone. It’s ok for me to feel safe.
Papa taught me to love, to love so much. He truly showed me how much I was loved. The encouragement my mom didn’t say to me was told to me by my Papa. He shared how proud she was of me. She never held my mistakes against me, and she always believed I could do anything I set my mind to. Papa reminded me of that often, and he genuinely cared about my every day life. He questioned everything I did, but looking back on it, I can now say that it was because he cared, and he truly did.
My dad gave me my optimistic attitude. He gave me my softer side. I wish he could have influenced me more. I would have liked to have been more like him.
It’s No Over
So, there is it, my grief typed out in these words. It seems so small and insignificant when I see it layed out on the screen, but it’s not. It’s my life. And with the good comes the sad, and after the sadness, comes gratitude toward moments with family and friends.
It’s not over I’m told. I still have a lifetime to live. Who will I become in the next 38 years? Who do I want to be? That’s what I get to decide now. My parents have given me great opportunities and now it’s time I use them to be my best, to live to my full potential, whatever that may be.