christmas

This Holiday Sucked So I Wore A Smile and Faked It

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.

Helen Keller

This Christmas absolutely sucked for me. My mother and Stepdad are now both gone, my marriage is over, and my workout routine has been disrupted by a painful case of plantar fascist (my workouts were at least keeping me sane).

Overall, my kids had a wonderful Christmas. I smiled and they opened presents. I gave hugs and kisses and took a thousand photos, but none the less, a deep sadness has sunk into my soul and refuses to let go. So, I’ve decided to take it moment by moment, to simply breathe and face the shit head on.

I’m scared of what the future holds. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of being a single mother…again. I’m scared that I’ve completely failed at it all and one day I’ll wake up and actually realize it. What a day that will be, but until then I’ll just keep going. Life doesn’t always have to be roses and butterflies, it will eventually be dark and ugly at times, and even though I feel overwhelmed most of the time, I am still grateful for the wonderful children I have, the family around me, and the moments I feel safe.

2015 will be about healing. I’ll keep my eyes focused on my beautiful children and try not to let all the craziness consume me.

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