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At 16 I trotted around with my newborn, dropping him off at daycare while I headed to high school. 20 years have now passed and yet every moment seems to be engraved in my memory. Moments of rocking my crying baby, leaving him on his first day of preschool, the first day of kindergarten, middle school, high school, his first girlfriend, watching him graduate, and then join the Navy…not one memory seems faded or lost, but it certainly doesn’t feel like 20 years.
I worry about him so…will he find what he longs for, will he take precautions to remain safe, and will he be happy with his life?
I feel helpless when it comes to guiding him, offering any support or advice. He smokes his cigarets in front of me and I only comment, “you should really quit,” when in all actuality I’d like to smoke one with him. I then wonder if all my bad habits, now long gone, still impact him…”because I smoked,now does he smoke? No, Toni, he’s an adult, he now chooses his own vices.” I’m not sure I’ll ever let go of the guilt I feel for any childhood pain I may have caused.
20 years….happy birthday, my boy. I can only hope that you spent the next 20 years living and loving to the fullness. Before making a decision ask yourself,”will I one day regret this?” Always try to answer, “never!” Be kind to all, spend more time with your mother, and know I will forever love and respect you.