Food is pleasure without vulnerability…
I heard these words while watching Backstrom. A psychologist was drilling this cop on his insecurities and I was struck straight to the core when I realized food is my pleasure without any requirement of me being vulnerable.
What’s so bad about being vulnerable? Well, rejection and pain come to mind pretty quickly. Who wants to be rejected? I’ve dealt enough with that. Or have I? Have I really dealt with the pain of being rejected? My dad. My dad keeps coming to mind. I so want a strong relationship with him. I still feel heartbroken over the last 28 years. How do you get past that? How do you let go of feeling rejected, abandoned? How do you have a relationship with someone who didn’t want a relationship with you? Logically, my mind wants to cut everything off…but that’s how I dealt with it as a child. I ignored the pain. I ignored the rejection and abandonment. He made his choice. He didn’t choose me.
No, maybe it’s not that he didn’t choose me, but maybe he just choose himself over me. Maybe it wasn’t me he was rejecting but the circumstance in which he had placed himself. He was a coward… But I’ve been a coward a time or two in my life time. I’ve walked away from people/situations that I felt uncomfortable in.
Vulnerability takes courage. Where does courage come from?
I love my dad. I love my family. Yet, I continue to struggle with pains from my past, and this is where I choose to work through them.